


A Lost Cause

by xxwriter389xx



Series: Everyone Needs A Hero [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Anders Dies, F/M, M/M, Multi, and hawke's idea is to ask the warden for help, basically they have to find a way to separate the two, but justice takes over his body, i started this a while back but it is ongoing, i'm mushing my fave couples together, who also happens to be the queen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 23:23:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4198974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxwriter389xx/pseuds/xxwriter389xx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Hawke was forced to kill Anders, he thought that was the worst feeling he would ever experience. Apparently seeing him come back as Justice was even worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place after the little ficlet Even A Champion Needs A Hero. You don't have to read that first but please feel free!

“See reason, Brother. I don’t want to fight you.”

The look in Carver’s eyes had convinced him. He had turned his back on everything Anders stood for. But he couldn’t lose the only family I had left. 

Knight Commander Meredith’s voice brought him back to the present. 

“I’ll leave you to deal with him. He’s your companion. Do as you see fit.” She glared at Anders’ back before moving on. 

Hawke moved to stand by him. The mage’s back was hunched, elbows resting on his knees. 

“There’s nothing you can say that I haven’t already said to myself. I took a spirit into my soul and changed myself forever to achieve this. This is the justice all mages have awaited.”

“Did that spirit tell you to do this?” Hawke almost spat.

“No… When we merged he ceased to be. We are one now. I can no more ignore the injustice of the Circle than he could.” 

“I might’ve understood if you’d only told me!”

“I wanted to tell you! But what if you stopped me? Or worse! What if you wanted to help? I couldn’t let you do that…”

Hawke looked around at all the bleeding bodies of mages…innocent mages.

He continued. “The world needs to see this. Then we can all stop pretending the Circle is a solution. If I pay for that with my life…then I pay. Perhaps then Justice would at least be free…”

“You talk about not wanting to get me involved but I was already involved! I was knee deep in all this shit!” He gripped Anders’ shoulders to turn him around. “And you couldn’t trust me enough to tell me?!” His shoulders fell in defeat. “I gave up everything for you…”

Anders’ eyes flashed blue and his skin crackled. “You have not given up everything!” Justice’s voice boomed. “You have turned your back on your people to join the Templars!”

Hawke gritted my teeth to keep from shouting. 

When the blue faded he was met with Anders’ eyes, obviously regretting Justice’s words. “Garrett…”

Hawke turned away. “I wish I could support you no matter what…but I can’t go against my brother! Besides…you forced my hand, Anders. What would you have me do?” He looked back at him.

“I don’t blame you…”

“Then join me.” Hawke could hear the begging clear in his voice. He knew this was a lost cause. “Help us restore order.”

“And help the Templars?? Go against every sacrifice I’ve made?? That is the one thing you cannot ask of me, Hawke…” He paused. “I’d rather die…”

“I suppose it shouldn’t come as a shock… I always knew the Cause would mean more than me in the end…”

He saw the emotions swirling around in Anders’ eyes. Sympathy, regret, love, hurt. “Garrett…” he whispered. “That’s not true.”

Hawke couldn’t stop the tears from filling his eyes. “Then don’t make me do this!” His voice was shaking and he struggled to keep himself in check.

Upon meeting his lover’s gaze, Anders’ eyes mirrored Hawke’s. “I cannot fight beside you, Hawke…I’m sorry.” There was so much emotion in that apology Hawke could feel his heart breaking.

“I told you I would break your heart…Just know it breaks mine to do it…”

Remembering those words ran a shiver down his spine.

Garrett remained silent then knelt down in front of him, a hand on his shoulder. “If this is what you want…then there is nothing left to say…” He pulled his blade out with a shaky hand. “I loved you, Anders…more than anything…” Hawke kept his eyes locked on his as he plunged the dagger through his heart. He watched his eyes fill with pain and shock. “Even when I knew you loved your Cause more than me…”

He watched Anders fall to the ground then he turned away, shutting his eyes tight against the remaining tears.

“Hawke…” Isabela began.

“We should move on.” He said gruffly and walked away.

~~~

“You’ve been rather quiet, Brother.”

Hawke stepped through the threshold, leaving the ash-covered streets behind, Carver beside him.

“Well aren’t you living high these days?” He looked around, not giving his brother a chance to respond as he walked toward the main room.

He had never seen Carver so…well he supposed it was happy.

Knight Captain Cullen had sent most of the Templar Order home to their families while he sorted out his plan of action. And Carver seemed rather uncharacteristically happy about it.

“I’m proud to call you Brother…that’s gone unsaid too long…”

He smiled a little at remembering his words.

“Is master Anders not with you, messere?” Bodahn asked as Hawke walked through the doorway.

He stopped. “He won’t be coming back,” he said simply.

“Oh that’s unfortunate. I enjoyed having him around.”

“He lived here?” Carver sounded shocked.

“Why yes, messere! Sent the dog looking for another bed to sleep in.” He chuckled.

With that Haze raised his head from where he sat at the fire and looked at his owner. He trotted over, pushing his head against Hawke’s thigh.

He knelt down and let him lick his face. 

“Yes, you can sleep with me again.”

He avoided Carver’s gaze, fearing what he might find there.

“Carver, I’ll show you to your room.” Hawke walked through the doorway to the left of the stairs, leading him up and to one of the back rooms.

Haze was panting happily as Carver pet his head.

It was silent.

“He was more than just a friend to you…”

“Yes…”

“Did you know what he was going to do?”

He shook his head.

“And…did you…”

“I killed him.” He answered the question he knew was coming. “I couldn’t side with his precious mages. And he couldn’t side with the Templars.”

“You must have known he’d never help the Templars. With all his talk of injustice.”

He looked to his brother. “I wasn’t afraid of “sharing the mages’ fate”, Carver. I refused to fight you.”

He stood up straight and faced me. “We’re the only family each other has left. Unless you count our arse of an uncle. And the cousin I’ve heard about from him. But besides that, we have each other. And while I know I haven’t always exactly shown my love for you, I do. Love you, I mean…”

Hawke knew admitting something like that was difficult for him but he couldn’t help but hug his little brother.

“It means a lot to hear you say that, Brother.” He patted his back. “At least I know my choice to side with you wasn’t in vain.” He stepped back and smiled.

He chuckled. “I hope that wasn’t the only reason?”

Garrett sighed. “No…it wasn’t. It’s not that I don’t wish mages could be free it’s just…well I don’t know if all of them have what it takes to live freely.”

He nodded. “My thoughts exactly.”

“But I’m sure we’ve both had our fill of mages for the night.” He looked over to Haze who had taken his place at the bottom of Carver’s bed. “He’s chosen you it seems so I’ll retire to my room alone.” He chuckled and bid him goodnight. 

Once in his room he shut the door. The first thing his eyes were drawn to was the desk. The chair he half-expected to be occupied. With a wave of his hand he could send all those papers up in flames. But something held him back, stopped him from destroying the only things he had left of…him. 

“I can’t even make myself say his name… Pathetic.”

He wanted to cry. Wanted to feel something. But all he felt was a terrible emptiness in his chest. He had felt the knife in his heart just as Anders must have felt it. And just as it stopped his heart, it stopped Hawke’s. How could he be a “champion” if he felt like he needed his own hero?

He undressed, thankful for the fire Bodahn had started before he arrived home. It chased away the dark and the biting chill of the room. He only wished it would warm his chest, because it felt miserably cold.


	2. Chapter 2

Everything was hazy, as if he were seeing through someone else’s eyes but his own. He could feel that he was in a body but…something was wrong. He couldn’t figure out what…He tried searching for some semblance of…anything. 

He felt as if he had been here before.

Name.

What is my name?

“Anders.” A voice boomed. He could hear it out loud and in his head. But he wasn’t speaking. He could feel my mouth moving but…why was he not in control? It felt as if someone had implanted him into someone else’s body. He wanted out. 

“It’s different not being the one who maintains control isn’t it? I’m not surprised you don’t like it. I can’t imagine anyone would.”

It was his voice. His voice speaking but…he wasn’t choosing the words. He tried to speak, but it came out as an echo inside an empty, dark abyss.

I should be dead…

“Ahh, yes, well about that. I couldn’t let it happen. I did what I had to assure that my host did not die. But it seems I made a miscalculation in how it would go. Not that I am complaining, mind you.”

What are you talking about…?

That’s when it all rushed back. The memories. The Chantry…the ashes falling down like rain. He’d blown it up. Hawke…he…

Killed me…

“He turned his back on the Cause. Turned his back on everything we had worked for! No one stands in the way of Justice!” 

For a moment Anders could barely feel myself. It was like…he didn’t exist. Surrounding him was blue, blinding blue. It felt the same as when Justice would take over…but this time he was already in control so…what was this? He waited for Justice to calm down, and for his powers to fade back into his skin. Anders’ skin.  
Anders’ vision was beginning to clear and he recognized this route. It was the secret entrance into Hawke’s estate from Darktown. 

Justice, where are you going? We’re dead remember? You can’t just show up! What do you want with him anyway?

“Like I said, nobody stands in the way of Justice.” 

No! Not him! You mustn’t do this! I command you to stop.

The laughter that came from his chest frightened his. Condescending and teasing. 

“It does not work that way any longer, Anders. I am in control now. No amount of your willpower can change that.”

No…no…why was this happening?? He should be dead! This isn’t natural! None of it is… He thought death was the only place he could truly escape but he wouldn’t let him go. He wouldn’t let him die. 

You are no longer Justice. You are Vengeance. And no matter who you kill, it won’t change the fact that you can never go back.

He felt the pause in his body, but then Justice continued on. 

He mounted the stairs to the main floor then, and after seeing that no one remained awake, made his way up to Hawke’s bedroom.

When Anders saw Garrett…a million emotions welled up in his heart. He had never seen him look so sad. He should look peaceful in his sleep. Not about ready to cry.

He tried to yell out to warn him but his voice only echoed off the walls of this empty blackness.

Suddenly, Hawke started awake with a jump as if he had heard him. Anders saw his eyes look around, seemingly confused at first. Then he saw him. Anders heard Hawke’s breath catch in his throat as he stared in disbelief. 

“Anders…?” He breathed in absolute awe. “I must be dreaming…”

“Oh if only you were. Perhaps then this wouldn’t hurt so badly.” Justice removed a dagger from their hip.

“I killed you…I--”

“Yes. Stabbed me right through the heart. I warned Anders not to get involved with you. Warned him that you would prove only to be a hindrance. And I was correct, in more ways than one.”

“Justice?? How in Andraste’s name did you manage this??”

“I am a spirit. I can possess bodies just as any demon can. But I am no demon. I am Justice. And justice requires I destroy anything in its path.”

“This sounds more like vengeance to me.” Hawke stood, steeled to defend himself. “Is Anders even left in there…?” Anders could hear the hint of hope in his voice. 

“His mind remains, but he is no longer in control.”

Hawke sighed. “When he said he hoped Justice would rise from his corpse this isn’t exactly what I imagined.”

Anders could tell that he was smiling, even without a body. But whatever he was, he was still smiling at one of Garrett’s moments of wry humor.

“Turning this into some sort of joke will only make what must be done that much easier.” Without hesitation, Justice pinned Hawke to his armoire with the force of an inhuman spirit, eyes flashing blue, and plunged the dagger through his chest.

For the next few moments Anders felt frozen, unable to speak. But once he saw Garrett’s bright blue eyes fading as he slid down to the floor, dagger still in place, he struggled against Justice’s hold. The gurgling of Hawke’s desperate breaths as blood filled his lungs only served as fuel to his determination. He was going to save him, no matter what. 

With a sudden burst of energy he broke through. He saw the world through his owns eyes, eyes that he could blink on his own accord. Eyes that immediately were drawn to Hawke who had been reduced to coughing up blood.

He knew he only had a few seconds to perform a healing spell once he took the dagger out and he was ready. After yanking it from deep in Hawke’s flesh he then, without delay, placed his hands against Hawke’s chest. He could see his feeble attempts to fight him off, thinking it was still Justice in control. Anders let the magic flow through his fingers into Hawke, healing up his wounds. He stared intently at those eyes, the ones that needed to become bright again, the ones that needed to look up at him once more with an expression that said ‘I love you, no matter how fucked up you turned out to be’.

After what seemed like hours but was most likely only seconds, Hawke’s breath came easier.

~~~

How could he explain to himself how the man he had killed, just earlier today, was now using his magic to heal him? Just after the spirit dwelling in his body drove a blade through his chest?

Hawke’s head was beginning to clear as he was able to breathe easier and that’s when he heard Haze growling at the door.

Hawke looked up to see Carver, sword in hand.

“Back away from him, mage.” He nearly growled. 

Anders sat back, dropping his hands from Hawke’s chest.

That’s when the light from the fire hit his face.

“Anders?” Carver looked to me. “You said you killed him!”

“I did!” He stood up, wavering only slightly.

“I can explain, if you will allow it, Templar.” Justice spoke now, there was something different about his voice, how it seemed as if it could echo even in open spaces. “I could not let my host die. But since his own ‘spirit’ was fading, I was able to take control. Anders however, still lives but he is not the ruler of this body. I am.”

Carver took a step closer, blade gleaming in the dark, to face the now standing Anders. Or should he say Justice. 

“You must die for your crimes.” Carver raised his sword.

“You will not touch me, Templar!” The voice of Justice that I remember boomed and the familiar glowing blue eyes greeted him instead of Anders’ warm ones. 

Hawke looked away. He wasn’t able to watch the love of his life die twice in one day.

He heard a body drop and when he looked over he was surprised to see Anders on his knees. When he looked up at Carver, whose blade was poised above him, Hawke could tell this was his Anders. 

“Anders…” he whispered.

“How did you…do that?” Anders was in awe, looking up at his brother. “I can’t even feel his presence. It’s like he doesn’t even exist.”

“One of the tricks they teach you when you become a Templar. I cleansed the area of any magic. So I suppose that sent your spirit temporarily back to the fade. But it won’t last long.”

Anders nodded. “I understand.”

“Wait!” Hawke came to stand between them, putting his hand over Carver’s, which were gripping the hilt of his weapon. “I have an idea. Simply hear me out, Brother.”

“You wish to make some sort of deal with this murderer?? Garrett, you have to think of duty before your feelings!”

“I know that better than anyone. But don’t you see? If you can separate them for just a short period of time then that means it may be possible to separate them for good!”

“And then what?! We have both a spirit and a crazy mage running around blowing up Chantries?! I don’t think so, Brother.”

“Without me as a host, Justice will either return to the Fade or find another host.” Anders explained.

“Besides, killing Anders now will only give Justice a dead body to possess which I’m sure he could make last until he finds someone else. But if we separate them, perhaps the spirit won’t be tainted any longer. It’s a long shot, but I think it’s the only option.”

Carver pursed his lips. Hawke could tell he didn’t like the plan one bit, but he had to see that really it was the only option. 

“We propose the deal to Justice when the Cleanse wears off and then we come up with a plan on how to make it happen.” Hawke concluded.

“Only one problem, the only place I can think that would know enough about magic of would be Tevinter and we’re certainly not prepared to deal with that many blood mages nor do we want to.” Carver looked to his brother.

“The Hero of Fereldan. She traveled with an amazing older mage from the circle didn’t she? We can go to Fereldan, talk to her and hope she knows where the mage is.” 

“She’s married to King Alistair, Brother--she’s the Queen! You think we could even get an audience with her? For something like this?”

“When King Alistair was here he welcomed me back with open arms, I’m sure we could arrange something.”

“Well you seem rather optimistic, Hawke.” Justice spoke, still kneeling on the floor. “I heard most of what you had to say… Anders is not a safe host any longer. He will be pursued when people find him to be alive. So I accept your deal, Garrett Hawke.”

Carver massaged his temples and groaned, "Why do I feel like we're making a deal with a demon?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Carver, so sassy. I love him though.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone thinks the plan is insane, they all go to Ferelden anyway (minus a few members), and after some infighting (mostly Fenris getting pissy) they make a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a little backstage drama going on with Elissa, just a warning. But it's a minor thing and written mostly so I can address it later, probably in another fic.

“Is Hawke insane?!” The mage in question could hear Aveline from where he was upstairs. She, along with the rest of the group, including his brother, had convened in the den of Hawke’s estate. And apparently the topic of conversation was Hawke’s sanity.

He could understand where their concern was coming from. He could even understand their reactions at seeing Anders—or Justice—alive and well…not dead.

Fenris had been the first to react, lyrium veins glowing in a matter of seconds. Sebastian and Varric had taken aim, Hawke could see Aveline and Isabela reach for their weapons—even Merrill’s hands were aglow with magic.

Justice’s eyes flashed blue, a matching flame beginning to crackle at his fingertips. Carver and Hawke stepped in between quickly to defuse the situation, each taking turns explaining what had happened. The reactions were to be expected. The weary glint never left Fenris’ eye, Sebastian was appalled, Merrill was shocked and standing close to Isabela—who for once had no sexual commentary. The only two who spoke were Varric and Aveline—the prior only contributing a “shit, Hawke” while the latter felt no need to hold her tongue.

After trying to reason with her for what seemed like forever, Carver suggested Hawke take Justice upstairs. Hawke understood his reasoning; it was clear that the spirit’s presence was setting them all on edge. 

He could hear Carver sigh. “I know it seems that way but…what he’s saying does make sense. Justice will only find another body to inhabit if we don’t find some way to send him back to the fade. And I can only do it temporarily. We need to find a more permanent solution.”

“He’s grief-stricken, can’t you see that?! He just killed his lover less than a day ago and you believe he’s thinking rationally??” The guard Captain demanded.

Hawke felt an ache in his chest and he turned, walking into his room. He curled up on the bed, wanting to drown out her words.

Was he simply “grief-stricken”? Was he being played by a Spirit of the Fade that would do anything to achieve so-called Justice? No...no because Carver saw reason—he always did—and he agreed. This was the only thing to do.

Hawke let himself be lulled into a half-sleep and as he drifted he thought of healing balms and cat hair and empty saucers on a dirty clinic floor.

He awoke hours later to a rustling of papers and he opened bleary eyes to see a figure standing by the desk, back facing him. Feathered pauldrons and a pony tail. For a few moments he forgot that Anders was dead and thought this was just another night where he’d woken up to his lover scribbling away at his manifesto. But then it all hit him like a brick wall and his eyes snapped fully open.

“Justice.” His voice was hoarse with sleep and he wondered at what time it was.

“You are awake. Your companions have gone to their respective dwellings to gather supplies. The one you call Aveline cannot stray from her position in this city and sends you luck—as if that will help us.”

Hawke said nothing and simply stared at Justice’s back. Maybe if he willed himself hard enough he could pretend it was still his Anders. 

The trouble in that was believing it.

There was a knock on the door, Carver’s voices muffled by the wood.

“Brother?”

“Yes,” Hawke cleared his throat as he rose from the bed, running fingers through his hair.

Carver took that as an invitation to enter.

“So we have a plan. Everyone but Aveline will join us in our trip to Ferelden. We’re going home, Brother.” There was a sad smile on his brother’s face. “If only Mother and Bethany could be here with us.”

“I’m not sure I’d want them to see all this…” Hawke began, his eyes straying to the mage in the corner and back to his brother.

Carver nodded. “Perhaps under different circumstances then.”

Hawke agreed. “Perhaps…”

~~~

“Oh please, Alistair, I’ve seen you hit harder than that!”

“Well yes,” He blocked a swing of her sword with his shield. “But, Elissa, I wasn’t fighting my wife, I was fighting darkspawn.”

“I don’t see much of a difference between you and a darkspawn. You’re just as ugly as one” she said as she moved backward, somehow managing a sense of grace while holding a sword so big she had to use both hands.

Alistair rolled his eyes. “Ha ha very funny, love.”

Elissa heard someone clearing her throat from behind her. 

“Not now, Teagan, I’m about to kick the King’s arse.” 

“As great as that sounds, your grace, you have guests,” he replied.

“I don’t remember a meeting being scheduled for today.” She spoke, eyes fixed on Alistair as she looked for a way through his defenses. Damn shields.

“This one is a bit…unannounced. The Champion of Kirkwall is here to see you both.”

She finally turned around after seeing Alistair drop his defensive stance.

“I did extend an invitation to him when I was in Kirkwall,” Alistair began, “However I’m surprised he followed through.”

Elissa nodded. “Very well. Let us go greet them shall we?” She put her sword back on the wooden rack.

“Perhaps you should remove your armor, your grace, you wouldn’t want to appear…”

Elissa sighed. “Unqueenly I know.” She removed her armor and put it haphazardly onto the mannequin. She pretended not to notice Alistair straightening it up behind her as he removed his own.

She began walking towards the door from where the three of them stood outside. “I’m assuming you brought them to the throne room?”

Teagan rushed to catch up. “Yes, but perhaps you should change first—”

She cut him off with a look that said ‘if you try to put me in a dress right now I’ll be sparring with you next’.

Alistair chuckled from behind her as he followed her in. 

When they entered, the party was larger than Alistair had expected. He spotted the Champion, Hawke as he recalled his name was. However he had a number of people with him whom he had yet to meet.

“Greetings, friends,” Alistair smiled and went to shake Hawke’s hand. 

He recognized Isabella from back when he was simply a Grey Warden and not King of Ferelden. The rest however were unknown faces to him. Though it appeared that was not the case for his wife.

“Isabella,” she smiled. And when she caught site of a blonde with a pony tail she stopped. “Anders? I’d wondered what happened to you!”

“Circumstances are a bit…different since our last meeting, Grey Warden.”

She watched him for a moment and then it seemed to click. “Justice. What have you done?”

“You know him—them, your grace?” Hawke questioned, seemingly trying to hide his shock.

Elissa stepped up to him, ignoring the Champion’s question.

“What have you done to, Anders, spirit?”

“I have done nothing to him, Grey Warden. He offered to help me, accepted me into him. Instead of a dead man, I occupied a live one. However that is not the case anymore. Or…it wasn’t. I remedied that issue.”

She shook her head. “You said you were a spirit of Justice, and now you’re saying you possessed Anders??” she demanded, fists balled up at her sides.

“He offered. I did not possess him. I am no demon.”

“The lines seem pretty blurred to me right now, Justice. Let him go.”

“I can do no such thing. Not until I am able to return to the fade.”

“And why can’t you just go back??”

Hawke spoke up then, “He’s trapped.”

There was a pain in his eyes that Alistair couldn’t ignore. He didn’t want to ask why.

“That’s…why we’re here, your Majesty,” He looked to Alistair. “We have heard that you both traveled with a mage, a mage who knew about spirits and the Fade. We thought if we came to you…you could help us.”

Elissa took a deep breath to calm herself and turned towards him. “Unfortunately I have no idea where Wynne is. It will take me some time to track her down…”

“But, in the meantime,” Alistair began, “You are welcome to stay here.”

“Of course,” Elissa smiled, attitude completely different from when she was talking to Justice.

“I apologize for that outburst. I am Elissa Cousland Therin.” She shook Hawke’s hand as well as each of his companions, ignoring the mage in the pony tail who was apparently possessed-but-not-possessed by a spirit.

She would definitely have some explaining to do when the two of them were alone later.

 

“Lady Elissa…” Teagan began as he watched her pace across the study. “Perhaps you would like to tell me what is bothering you?”

She shook her head. “I knew him, Teagan. I fought with him. I’m the one who made Anders a Grey Warden. I’m the one who accidently took Justice from the fade. This is my fault.”

“Please, my lady, this isn’t your fault. You did your duty, you recruited a Grey Warden. You couldn’t have known it would lead to this.” 

She sighed, stopping in front of him, two fingers pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“How do I help them?”

“First,” he began, “you should relax. There are enough reasons to be stressed as it is, no need to add more to the pile. “Before we address this, may I ask how you are doing?” He approached the subject hesitantly, knowing it was…touchy to say the least. 

“I’m fine.” Her tone told him he was correct in assuming her reaction would be defensive.

“You cannot ignore this forever, Elissa… Does Alistair know?”

She shook her head. “No and he doesn’t need to. The only reason you know is because the healer panicked and came running to you.”

Teagan paused, considering how to continue. “You lost a baby, Elissa…”

He saw the flash of pain in her eyes, and then it was gone, replaced by a wall. 

“And it wasn’t the first,” he continued.

“Perhaps Alistair had been right when he said Grey Wardens couldn’t have children.” Elissa’s voice remained distant, refusing to acknowledge the pain that she was so blatantly experiencing. “Besides, I was only a few months along at most, can we really consider it a baby.”

Just by the way she said the word he could tell she did in fact consider it a baby. 

“Elissa…”

“Please, Teagan,” she held up a hand to stop him. “I do not wish to speak of this. Not now.”

He nodded. “I understand. I apologize.” He bowed his head in respect—a habit from all his days in the court. “I will look into possibilities that might help.”

She readily accepted the change of subject. “See if you can track down Wynne. She’s an expert when it comes to…this sort of thing.” This sort of thing being spirits sharing a body with a human. 

“I will see what I can do.”

There was a knock on the door. 

“There you are, my love.” Alistair smiled as he walked over to Elissa. “Having a meeting without me, you two?” He placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Of course we were, Alistair, we know too much planning makes that pretty little head hurt.” She grinned back at him, somewhat mischievously.

“Ah, yes, you are correct. I come here as a humble servant, requesting your presence at the dining table,” he jested back.

Teagan nodded. “You two go ahead, I will be there shortly.”

Elissa gave him a look on her way out, a look that thanked him for keeping her secret. 

 

When they arrived in the dining room the group who arrived just earlier that day was already present. 

Elissa took a seat at the head of the table next to Alistair and as soon as they sat, so did everyone else—a custom she was used to now that she was Queen.

“I really appreciate this, Your Highness. This is more than I could have ever asked for.”

“Oh, Hawke, look at your being so civil.” Isabela grinned at him. “He’s nervous around you two.” She looked to the royal couple. “But you and I go way back, don’t we?” She winked. 

Elissa laughed. “No one could ever forget you, Isabela.”

“Or your dirty sense of humor.” Alistair added. 

The one known as Hawke seemed almost shocked at first but he quickly recovered. “That is very true,” he laughed, a deep a comforting sound.

As they ate, Elissa and Alistair learned each of their new companions’ names. It became known that Carver was Hawke’s brother, a Templar whose brother was a mage apostate. It gave Alistair a little chuckle. It was obvious that Carver was sweet on the elf mage Merril however, another surprising thing for a Templar. It appeared that she might not be aware of his feelings, but from her accent Elissa could tell she was Dalish which might explain her naiveté. Isabela they already knew to be crude and humorous, but Varric was a different type of funny. He was a real charmer. And any story that needed telling, it seemed he was the guy to do it. He explained their whole journey here in detail, not afraid to mention every embarrassing bit the rest of the group’s chagrin. 

The only one not saying a word was Anders—or should she say Justice. With a human body he was required to eat, that much she assumed. She also assumed that that was the only reason he was here. He didn’t seem to get anything out of the company; though she did notice that Hawke looked his way often, with something in his eyes that was not unfamiliar. A longing look, one that told more than Hawke might have wanted to let on. 

She exchanged a glance with Alistair when both of them seemed to notice it.

“If you don’t mind me asking…” Alistair began. “I have heard some news from Kirkwall—disturbing news. Is it true that the Chantry was…destroyed? That there is fighting in the streets between mages and Templars?”

A hush came over the group and she almost immediately regretted asking. Many of their eyes flitted to Justice, Hawke’s remaining on his plate.

“On second thought, why don’t we speak of something else—”

“I did it.” Justice spoke, looking to her.

She heard Alistair’s fork drop to the plate next to her.

“Excuse me?” he demanded. “You’re the one who blew up the Chantry?”

“Yes. I had to make a statement. What was being done to the mages was not just.”

“And killing innocent people was?!” Alistair was standing now.

“The Chantry did nothing to stop the treatment of the mages, they were just as guilty as the Templars.”

Elissa could see Alistair’s hands clenched at his sides. “A Templar’s job is to watch over mages—to protect them. I was to be one. I wouldn’t have joined if all of them treated mages badly.”

“All Templars do is keep mages locked up—keep them from being free.” Justice’s true form was beginning to show, a faint blue aura surrounding him.

Elissa could see the guards at the edges of the room begin to tense and she put up a hand to stop them from advancing.

“You killed innocent people to free mages and started a bloody war.” Alistair was shaking with rage and Elissa laid a hand on his arm to calm him.

“And I would justly kill hundreds more—”

“Enough!” Hawke’s voice boomed across the table. “Justice. A word,” he stood and walked from the room, not waiting for the other to follow. He did however which was a bit surprising to Elissa.

When the door was shut Hawke turned to him. They were alone in the hallway, save a few servants scampering about.

“What do you think you’re doing? Antagonizing the King of Ferelden is no way to get your point across, let alone get him to help us. I wouldn’t blame him if he sent us packing!”

Justice looked as if he was about to respond but Hawke continued.

“And you can’t tell everyone you were responsible for the…incident at the Chantry because a lot of people will want to see you punished.”

“You mean as you did,” he said it almost matter-of-factly but if Hawke didn’t know any better he’d say he detected something else in there. Anger maybe. Or perhaps he was only seeing what he wanted to.

Garrett’s jaw clenched. “You think I enjoyed that? You think that I enjoyed having to kill the man who meant everything to me? And because of what? Because what meant everything to HIM wasn’t me, it was a cause. A cause that only brought suffering.”

“You did not have to do anything. No one forced you to kill him.”

“Then that also means he didn’t have to take you into him.” Hawke couldn’t imagine saying this to Anders. But this wasn’t Anders, not anymore. Who knew if he was even still in there?

Almost as if he could sense Hawke’s thoughts, “He can hear you,” Justice paused, as if he were listening. “He is begging me to tell you he is sorry.”

Hawke shook his head.

“None of it matters now. Not anymore. The apologies don’t change what’s happened.”

With that he walked away, leaving Justice and Anders alone; alone in the world they’d always been in, a world Hawke had never really been a part of.

 

“Absolutely not.” Alistair was standing in their chambers, arms crossed stubbornly. “You can’t go with them. He is not just an apostate, Elissa, he’s an apostate with a Chantry full of blood on his hands. We can't help them.”

“We have to, Alistair. Hawke needs our help. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t conscripted Anders into the Grey Wardens. This is my responsibility.”

“No! This is not your fault, don’t you start this,” he walked over to her, putting his hands on her arms. “You take too much of this onto yourself. You didn’t force Anders to take that spirit into him—he did that on his own. That is not your responsibility.”

“But as Queen and Warden-Commander, isn’t it? A man I made a Grey Warden killed people. And he may do it again if I don’t find a way to help.”

Alistair sighed, rubbing at his temples with one hand. “Do you ever wish we weren’t King and Queen? So much responsibility.”

Elissa laughed dryly. “As if being a Grey Warden isn’t?”

A knock came at the door.

“Yes?” She called, wondering who would be knocking at this hour.

“Grey Warden, may we speak?” Justice’s voice travelled through the wood.

Alistair looked to her, a “no” already on his lips but Elissa shook her head.

“Of course,” she replied and kissed Alistair’s cheek.

“Don’t take long,” His brow was creased with worry though he tried to hide it with a smile.

“I’ll be fine.”

When she came out into the hall she saw Justice sitting on a bend next to the door. There were dark rings under his eyes and she wondered if he ever slept. The body was still human so it needed that, didn’t it?

“Let’s take a walk,” she said.

They were silent as they made their way outside to the courtyard. Along the way she noticed more guards than usual; it was safe to assume that was Alistair’s doing.

The air outside was chilly, the fire burning in the lampposts illuminating what the moon could not.

“Why don’t we start with how this happened?”

They followed the path around the back.

“I was in need of a host, Anders was in need of someone to help his Cause. I believed in it. The more he told me of the injustice experienced by mages, the more I saw it as my duty to help. When we merged…we did not know how it would affect us. He remained in control however and could call upon me when he needed to. Anders used to say that my thoughts were his own, that we were one…” he trailed off.

“Then where is Anders now? You said he was in control, but it seems that now you are.”

He seemed almost hesitant to reply. Could a spirit feel regret?

“After the destruction of the Chantry…Hawke was very upset. As were the rest of his comrades. Anders tried to explain our reasoning—that it had to be done but they wouldn’t listen. So Hawke killed him. Stabbed him right through the heart. He cried, said he was sorry. Anders cried too. But Hawke left him there, left US there.”

Elissa was nearly speechless. “If he died…are you walking around in a corpse again?”

“I saved him. I needed a host. And a dead host proved to have its difficulties.”

“So why not stay in his body? Go and fight against the unjust like you want?” she wondered, curious as to why he wasn’t doing so.

“Because Anders is still here. He is now the voice in my head. And would it be just to take a person’s body against their will? We agreed to merge the first time. But I have been…”thinking” and perhaps it is not right.”

They were silent for a long while, Elissa thinking over everything she’d just heard.

It sounded genuine. She had no reason not to believe him. It almost sounded as if Justice cared for Anders. And maybe he did.

“I will help you,” she said finally. “But I have one last question; why not just go back to the Fade yourself?”

“Without me, Anders will die. I feel him slipping away more and more. Soon, he will be lost within the Fade. Before I can leave, someone must bring him back.”

She tried to wrap her head around that and sighed. “I’ve got to say, I’ve spent enough time in the Fade for a lifetime. But first we need to figure out how to get there. This could be dangerous but I think we must got to the Circe Tower.”

 

“Are you insane?! You can’t bring a bunch of apostates to the Circle!” Alistair, shockingly, disagreed with her plan when she told them all the next morning.

There was a map of Ferelden spread out on the large table of the meeting room.

Everyone was present. Teagan stood beside Alistair, scrutinizing the map as if already planning their route. Hawke stood there as well, his arms crossed and his brow creased in through. On either side of him was Justice and his brother, Carver. Across from them sat the broody elf Fenris and the complete opposite, Merrill. Isabela stood next to them, looking over the map herself while Varric sat with his legs propped up in front of him.

“The King is right, brother.” Carver looked to Hawke, who was now rubbing the stubble above his beard with the back of his hand.

“I have to admit that does sound rather riskey. Three of us are mages,” Hawke agreed.

“Why do we even need to go to a bunch of mages for help anyway?” Fenris nearly spat the word “mages”, making his opinion of them clear. “I haven’t known them to cause anything but trouble.”

“Separating a spirit from a body seems like something a knowledgeable mage might be needed for, don’t you think?” Elissa countered.

But Fenris’ attention was on Justice. “And why can’t you go back on your own? Saves us all the trouble.”

“I will not do that.”

“Why not?”

“Trust me when I say I simply will not for good reason.”

Fenris barked out a disbelieving laugh. “Trust you? An abomination?”

“I am a spirit of Justice, I do not lie.”

“Funny, because that never seemed to stop Anders.” The hate in Fenris’ eyes was clear as day.

“Enough,” Hawke held up his hands. “Justice,” he looked to him. “What do you mean you "won't"? I thought you couldn’t?”

“Cannot, will not, both are correct. My duty prohibits me from leaving this body. I will not go against my duty.”

“Your duty? To what?”

“Justice. If I leave this body Anders will die. That is not Justice.”

Fenris burst out of his chair. “Like hell it’s not! Justice would be you rotting in the ground for what you’ve done!”

Hawke still seemed caught by surprise. “Wait wait wait,” he put a hand on Justice’s shoulder and looked him in the eyes. “You said Anders was still in there. When Carver dispelled the magic I spoke to him! What do you mean he’ll die?”

“When you killed him his soul began to retreat back in the Fade. When I saved him he was not fully gone however and I was able to draw him back. But he is slipping. He is not strong enough to occupy this body on his own.”

“So what are we supposed to do?”

“We are not supposed to do anything, YOU must rescue him from the Fade.”

Hawke nearly fell into his seat, a look of disbelief on his face.

Elissa had assumed he already knew this.

“Maker’s breath, Justice, why didn’t you tell me this?” Hawke was looking down at his hands with a look she couldn’t quite decipher.

“I had not yet come to the conclusion. Not until last night.”

Fenris was shaking his head, Merrill’s eyes were darting from person to person, Isabela and Varric were exchanging a look and Carver looked as if he wanted to comfort his brother but didn’t know how.

“Then it’s settled,” Elissa announced, bringing the attention to her. “We’re going to the Tower. No one will dare harm you when you’re with the Queen. We will plan our route and leave tomorrow.” Any impending protests from Alistair, Teagan or Fenris were cut off by her raising her hand. “And that’s final.”


End file.
